VON: 继续放弃？？

很悲哀。。。放弃一词已经很negative了，何况还要继续？？

不久前刚刚决定放弃一个朋友圈，我的放弃不代表跟他们断绝关系，只是我会对他们少了一份朋友之间原有的关心，他们在做些什么，日子过的好吗？这些，我已经不再想主动了解了。。。就保持现状吧，有心的话还是可以从大家的facebook得知的。。。若有心的话。。。

让我意想不到的是，最近突然某人把我也tag进他的note里了。。。单看标题也就知道是怎么一回事。。。顿时让我感到欣慰的是，作者把我tag进去，整个感觉就好像我还是其中的一分子。。。我觉得，我是不是不该放弃的呢？至少到现在还有人把我归纳在圈内嘛。。。

当我往下看时，作者也po了很多张照片。。。在每一张照片里，看到的都是每个人都挂着幸福的笑脸，而这一种幸福，只有照片里的人才能感受到。。。20张。。。总共有20张照片。。。可惜没有一张是有我的。。。note的内容说的都是我们怎么从陌生人到相知、相识。。即使毕业了，大家还是偶尔有聚一聚啦，我们的友谊是多么的坚固等。。。

是没错啦，大学的那三、四年，“我们”都有很多很美好的回忆，只是这个“我们”已不再有我了。。不然为什么大家已离开了大学以后的活动都没把我算在内呢？也许当中有人讨厌我、不想见到我。。我知道我不该想得那么坏，但想当年当中有人dok我bui jek。。。也许当年的我很多事情都处理得不太好，导致有人看我不顺眼，但不要紧，我改！好吧，或许我改了，还是不顺眼？？就当作是这样好了。。然后我就去了日本。。。也是从那个时候开始，我注意到他们之间的感情变得更好、更团结了。。。团结到我回国以后都已经融入不进去了。。。

唉。。那就由他们去呗。。。虽然已经有很多次看到他们聚会的照片，游玩的照片。。。但还是禁不住想，我本来应该在里面的。。。虽然，当中某人说下次会预我一起，但每一个下次，都是一样的。。。一次不要紧，两次，唉。。。渐渐的，我看到他们在facebook上update聚会或游玩的照片的时候，心是痛的。。因为我再也感觉不到我跟他们是一起的，已经不再是“我们”了。。。

就在我要放弃这么一段友谊的时候，不想再想那么多的时候，就有这么一个post。。。还把我tag进去。。。既然放了那么多张照片，都没有一张是包括我的，是说我已被排除在外吗？又为什么把我tag在里面？？？把我tag成“我们”又有什么意义呢？？

我不想想太多。。。

VON: learn, learn and learn!!

a new and big challenge is coming again... there's so many things that i don't know, and i used to think that it's ok so long as i'm willing to learn.. but in the cruel reality, people will definitely expect something from you, even you know nothing about it..

i'd been thinking if my current job is really suitable for me.. or, am i suitable for this position??

there is no proper jobscope, it just seems like i have to learn to do everything in office - besides my A & P work, and also the VMD work, secretarial work, PA work.........

i thought that i'd get myself ready for politics at work place... but now when i see it with my own eyes, i knew that i'm not yet ready for it.... deep inside my heart i started to run away, ignoring all kinds of people and situation which i could, face all those bloody people whom i have to.

now i see how those bloody people put the blame on others, where the others had get their part done, or sometimes it's not the other's job at all.... they are just simply very very demanding!! they wanted this and that, wanted everything the best for themselves but not willing to pay for what they want! they are just selfish!! so what u'd pay your service charges??? we need to take care of your personal belongings??? stop shouting at us before you know what is actually going on...

the new project is starting today, i myself know that the chance of it getting success is very very slim, other people at other places get 2-3 months to prepare for the event, but i had only 3-4 weeks and yet doing it by myself ALONE, until 2 weeks left, only there're some people whom i thought will be responsible enough to get the event done together. but i'm wrong! i'm really totally disappointed with them.... they can talk whatever they want, giving all the bullshit ideas which is so damn impossible to get it done within the time frame, and they said it as if it's so easy! do they know that things are actually easier said than done???

sigh... now i really dare not expect anything from the event.... i know that it gonna be a failure.... i wanted to be optimistic, but if u look at the situation, standing in my shoes, being optimistic is really too difficult for this event....

what i hope for now is please don't put the blame on me ALONE, at least i'd given my best!! if u guys really wanna blame me, then blame me for not having the experience, blame me for not being competent, blame me not not being able to bring up the idea when i just join the company and start the preparation from then on....

oh, the only ''good point'' i see from this event: i think i will know the people better, knowing who i can really trust

today is the first day, 17 days more to go, i'll do my level best so that it if it really fail, be it failing at the border line la....

VON: i still couldn't believe this...

how will u react when u find yourself being locked inside yr office's building after working hours??

there was one guy from the office suite claimed that he's new and just started working here for one month... the security guards will actually lock all the access into the office levels at 8pm during weekdays and this guy worked OT without informing the securities...so when he finished work (after 8pm when all the doors are locked - which means he couldn't even go to the lift), he just bang and broke the access door a.k.a fire door!!

we at the management side were only being informed on the next morning.... and there were 2 versions of story both claimed by that guy...

the first one.... he said to the security officer that he's a new guy and he doesn't know bout the time when the security guards lock the levels... and he was too panic and so he broke the door...

second version, which he told us (management office side)... he claimed that he called the security office and there was no one answering the call and therefore he didn't know what to do but broke the door!!

when i heard both versions from my colleagues from both side, my first doubt was... wont he call his colleagues or boss to ask for help if he couldn't get the security guards???

one more thing!!! he is so skinny!! and the fire door is soooooooo heavy and tough!! where did he has the strength to break the door by himself?????

hmm.... how will u react on this???

VON: linguistics = teaching??

Mr. X: oh, so u're from linguistics background ar?

Me: yeah!

Mr. X: then how come u ended up here?

Me: erm.. by chance??

Mr. X: oh.. i thought linguistics people will end up teaching... then u have an honour degree in linguistics so i thought u are teaching or something..but why this job??

Me: erm, well.. it doesn't matter la... there are alot of things to learn here ma..

Mr. X: oh.. eh?? so u're doing the advertising and promotion ar??

Me: yeah!

Mr. X: then why i didn't see any advertising here ar?? no promotion oso... very dead leh...

Me: erm.. doing...

halo?? the mall is 'dead' but it is not 'dead' after i work there ok??

for the past 10 years oso quite 'dead' ady... do u expect a fresh grad who just started working in the complex can live it up in just 3 months??

VON: easier said than done

from previous post, someone told me to take it or leave it....

in order to take it, i have to learn how to ignore in the first place...

not to ignore the problem, but to ignore the people...

how sad it is to ignore and train myself to get numb with all these similar situations...

how pain it is to leave it!!

how difficult it is to choose sad over pain or vice versa

''take it or leave it'' is just easier said than done!!

i should be able and good enough to ignore the situation as i knew the survival rule well!

i could have performed better with all the experiences i had!!

but i am very sorry to say that i am very disappointed with some other issue.. perhaps i should not consider to offer the chance at all.. your attitude at that particular timing was really disappointing!!

with all these issues over the years, how far more can i go?

VON: 是该放手了吗？

有些事，再苦都值得我们去付出，坚持到底

但如果是为了短短几天的欢乐（也未见得是），小小的成就感（小到不具任何影响力），却让自己觉得过程是苦的，已经不再享受了，我想是不是该继续呢？

参加了某个团体的这些年以来，团内一有任何大大小小的活动，只要时间上允许的，我都一定会参加。。。一直以来我自认我是不会放弃这个团体的，除非他们不要我。。。

这些年以来，他们要些什么，我都尽量配合，只要我办得到的，我都从不说不！至于办不到的，我都尽力去完成。。我很少出声，不怎么给意见，不代表我没有自己的想法！只要是在我能接受的范围里，我都会尊重大家的意见。。但是不是长久以来都这样，导致我说出我的想法的时候都没有人去理会呢？

我一直跟着你们所说的去做，即使我觉得我会做不好，我还会照做，原因只有一个：我相信你们是因为觉得我可以做得到，才让我这么做。。。

我明明知道自己的能力，知道自己比较适合做什么，也曾经提出来，结果呢？

不行啦，那边真的不够人啦，这边已经够人了，而且够强了，你就过去那边啦！

好吧，既然是一个团队，大家要的都是为了这个团队好，我就尽力咯。。可是当我尽力时还做的不够好的时候，为什么要把矛头指向我？你们都知道我真正想要得是什么！整个组做得不好，就我错了吗？当我说很难的时候，你们反问我，很难咩？我知道如果是由你们来做的话，一定会做得比我好，但为什么你们不来做？为什么你们就可以选择做让自己比较舒服的那一组？反正你们都做得到，不如我们调换位置？

我一直在想，我是不是在勉强自己？我到底是不是已经开始觉得委屈了？是不是已经到了放手的时候呢？但如果在这个时候放弃，那我这些年的努力算什么？我不是被宠的那几位，我花了好几年的时间一努力才得到你们的认可（也许这也是我一厢情愿的想法），但至少那个时候再苦，都是开心的。。。现在放弃的话，那前几个月为了坚持到底而差点跟家里闹翻（好不容易家里从反对到支持了），把自己忙得焦头烂额，又是为了什么呢？

VON: 尴尬

how can someone just easily said out what's the real feeling deep inside my heart when i was hiding it well?? at least i think i hide it well before u pointed it out la... and especially that's my ''weak point'' for the time being, what kind of respond are u expecting from me?? deny it?? admit it?? no, i will NEVER admit it in front of ANYBODY!! unless i wanted to create the 尴尬-ness... despite i gave no comment about it, i'm hoping that my facial expression did not betray me...